Always on the Outside Looking In

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If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve seen that this particular article is in the “Encouragement/Devotion” category. I don’t think it’s a particularly encouraging article, other than to say that if you can relate to what I’m writing, you’re not alone…I’m feeling the same way, too.

I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in…can you relate? I feel that everyone around me has this totally fun and fulfilling life and I’m sitting here like, “Am I missing something?” I sometimes hate Facebook because it encourages FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). I not only fear missing out, I KNOW I am. How do I change this? Do I really want to change this? I’m not sure what I’m really upset about. On the one hand, I want to be left alone but on the other hand, I’m hurt when I see friends have had group gatherings without inviting me. I feel childish and insecure.

The song I’m listening to now is called, “Lost Cities” by the Bandshes and it’s fitting:

“…Lost cities, what a pity
Adults with hearts of youth
The walls and windows
Echos with the truth…”

No, I’m not on my period nor is it nearly time for me to start. I think I just feel genuinely sad that I often feel left out and I don’t know how to fix it.

When I was a kid, I was keenly aware that I was a misfit and it doesn’t seem to be something that has changed over the years. I mean, I can make friends with anyone, but really feeling a part of a group or really feeling needed by someone is a fleeting feeling for me, if it’s something that I feel at all. I know my kids need me right now, but what about when they’re grown?

The worst part of feeling like this is trying to pretend like it doesn’t bother me in my normal everyday life. But it does. I feel like a shadow…like I can’t help but being there…but somehow I’m not in the moment with you and full of substance. I’m just there and in a few moments, you’ll forget. Maybe I will, too. Am I choosing this? Am I being totally irrational?

I might wake up tomorrow and think, “Why did I write that article? I’m happy and fine and happy to be alive!” but chances are, I’ll feel like it’s another day where I’m slogging away at life and hoping that I’ll have a moment with someone that will feel like we had a connection for a moment. *Sigh*.

——————————————————  Day after the above was written…

Today, I’m totally fine. I felt so down yesterday and when I get that raw, I see the worst of myself under a magnifying glass. I know I’m an introvert to my core and it hurts some days to see the reality of it. But today I understand that this is who I am and I’m actually generally happy and had a great day at work with some laughter and fun with coworkers. I’m glad that I pulled through the raw day and had a fun-loving one today.


CJ Heath

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