Dear Queen Elizabeth II,
I respectfully apply for the senior royal job recently vacated at your company. I believe you will find that I meet and exceed the qualifications for the position. In fact, I feel confident that I can competently handle the work of both open positions, Duke and Duchess of Sussex.
The duties of a senior royal include traveling abroad to visit public officials, representing the business at various appearances, and welcoming visiting dignitaries from other countries. I am well qualified for all of these duties.
I love to travel, and I am not nervous around public officials. In fact, when the mayor of our town was working as a car salesman, I skillfully bargained with him for a lower price on a sweet, sky blue station wagon.
Representing the royal family as a senior royal will not be a problem for me. When I was little, my favorite Halloween costume was a princess, and I believe I was very convincing.
If I may say, my strongest skills may be in welcoming foreign dignitaries to the palace. Raising daughters has allowed me to meet and entertain dozens of young men and their parents. I can be very diplomatic.
I am more than willing to be coiffed and groomed each day. I do not mind wearing pastel. I believe that even the most atrocious hat can be charming on the right head. And I can smile for hours at a time for no apparent reason.
As with any new hire, you will certainly want to know what I can bring to the table that will keep the business vibrant and relevant. Here are several ideas I hope to initiate if I am fortunate enough to get the job of senior royal.
First, I cautiously suggest a change of name from “Sussex” to Sussez” because of the whole, you know, “sex” thing. Besides, Sussez sounds much cooler. Eventually you may even consider making it Suzzez, or just plain Zez. And we can discuss changing the name of “Frogmore” because . . . no.
Also, since I would not be a senior royal by blood or by marriage, I would ask that the HRH before my name stand for Her Rockin’ Highness. If this pleases Her Majesty.
Finally, I remind you of your native son, Roald Dahl, whose Charlie refused a position at the Chocolate Factory unless his family could come along. In this spirit, I ask that my own royals be welcome at the palace with me. I’m sure you have plenty of room, and we aren’t picky about the wood paneling.
Caroline, Duchess of Kenley (The apartment building, that is. Not the place in London.)