The Area 51 Raid Didn’t Happen and I’m Sad

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I’ve long believed that we aren’t alone in the universe. I could say it’s because I’ve carefully considered the vastness of existing space and decided that it’s extremely plausible that there is other intelligent life out there. But really, it’s because I’ve long been a fan of “Unsolved Mysteries” and those alien stories always scared the crap out of me. Imagine my delight when I saw on Facebook that a group was planning on raiding Area 51! It’s a military base rumored to harbor extra terrestrials! I was ready to find out once and for all if little green dudes were out there, turning humble farmers into science experiments and making fancy spirographs out of their crops. Unfortunately, the Area 51 Raid didn’t happen and I’m sad. Can’t we do ANYTHING right???

How it all started

In case you haven’t heard about all of this before now, some dude on the internet (it’s always some dude on the internet) created a Facebook event called “Area 51 Raid: They Can’t Stop All of Us!” His idea was that if numerous people banded together, the military couldn’t possibly overpower them all as they stormed the base and looked for evidence of aliens. Said dude long ago admitted he did it as a joke. I believe him – creating fake Facebook events is usually reserved for weather disasters, but I see what he was driving at. For example, during Hurricane Irma back in 2017, someone made an event called “Why don’t we just PUSH Florida somewhere else!” It was one of many fake and hilarious events that got people through a difficult time. The Area 51 Facebook event was done in the same spirit.

Instead, the event went viral and more than a million people RSVP’d “going”. That’s a feat in and of itself – I can’t even get my best friends to give me better than a “maybe” (which means “no”) for game night! The stage was set for us to get a look at them critters the government’s been hiding! I wanted to go, but Nevada is far away, man.

How it all went down

The official day of the “raid” (uses quotes sarcastically, rolling eyes like a good Millennial), only about 40 people showed up at the gates of Area 51. There was one arrest – for public urination. PUBLIC URINATION. You came all that way, Carl, and you didn’t stop at the bathroom right before you got there? The aliens needed your help, not to be held back by your weak human bodily functions!

At least some clever locals set up public events related to the raid-that-wasn’t, including a music festival. One three-day event that coincided with the chosen raid date attracted 3,000. While the event was reportedly peaceful, there’s no word on whether all the attendees were actually human.

The search continues

So, we still don’t have a definitive answer for whether aliens are among us. At least until THIS VIDEO and the Navy’s admission that they’ve seen UFOs! Never mind that they say there could be a plausible explanation besides aliens – IT’S TOTALLY ALIENS. Let me have this! I’m still sad that the Area 51 raid didn’t happen and I need this! I refuse to listen to reason and welcome our interstellar visitors. Don’t judge us too hard based on Facebook, please.

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