It’s true — itty bitty baby laughs are one of the best things in the whole world. Hearing a small baby’s gurgling laugh is enough to make my ovaries ache and I have to talk myself off the precipice of adding a third kid into the mix. But you know what? No one told me just how magical big kid laughs could be. Getting those laughs is a lot harder than just making silly sounds at a baby, so you need to be prepared with the best kid jokes.
And yes, they will involve poop. And farts. And other weird, silly things that are funny at any age, but grown ups act like they’re too mature for.
Punchline Jokes
What goes to sleep after you set the table?
The NAPkins.
What is a witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling.
What does a bee sit on?
It’s bee-hind.
What’s a duck’s favorite treat?
Quackers.
What do elves learn at school?
The elf-abet.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken next to her farted.
What do you get if you cross a tortoise with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
The alphabet goes from A to Z, so what goes from Z to A?
Zebra.
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
What’s a wizard’s favorite fast food restaurant?
Wandy’s.
What do zombies do first thing in the morning?
Wake up.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaiiiins.
Why do Superheroes always flush the toilet?
It’s their doody.
What did the poop say to the fart?
You blow me away!
What’s the smartest type of bee?
The spelling bee.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.
Why are ninja farts dangerous?
They’re silent but deadly.
How do you know if a vampire is sick?
She starts coffin.
What do you call Superman when he has diarrhea?
Pooper-man.
When should you go to the bathroom?
Poo thirty.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Moo.
Moo who?
Make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?
Voldemort.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in, I have to pee!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting-
Mooooo!
(Repeat interrupting until they are thoroughly annoyed.)
Big kids are unpredictable, and they’re just as likely to laugh at your jokes as they are to roll their eyes at them. Don’t let that stop you!
Scribble jokes onto napkins and tuck them into their lunchbox. Wait to tell a joke till they’re taking a drink of water. Coax them out of bed with your absolute corniest joke — they’ll wake up just to tell you how lame you are.
And if they don’t laugh at some of these best kid jokes? That’s okay, you can laugh for them.
