There Is a River of Chocolate in Arizona and I Am Moving

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Car accidents are serious business. Not really the time for joking around, when the possibility of injury or fatality exists. They are almost never a cause for any kind of celebration. But every so often, the universe looks down on humanity and decides that we are worthy of love. And what is one of the most common tokens of affection in history? No, not THAT one, you naughty thing! I’m talking about CHOCOLATE. Chocolate is proof God exists and loves us very much. And lo, in the land of cacti and dust known as Arizona, a tanker truck recently tipped over and made one of my deepest wishes come true.


I’m not exaggerating – several news outlets have named it that exact thing. This one, this one, and this one! Apparently a 40,000 pound tanker rolled over on the interstate near Flagstaff (which I say now should be renamed “Fudgestaff”). A latch connecting the trailer to the truck came undone, causing the trailer to roll like a Swiss cake. The tanker was so badly damaged that authorities had to pump more of the chocolate out of it so the tanker could be loaded onto a tow truck. Just think about that for a second. They had to spill even more chocolate to clear the scene of the accident. I just want to know why it wasn’t spilled into my mouth.

No one was hurt in the accident. Well, no one was hurt except me, because I was not invited to the clean up process. Getting all that chocolate off the highway apparently took around four hours. I am certain I could have done it in 20 minutes, tops. The ensuing trip to the emergency room to treat my resulting diabetic coma probably would have taken much longer. Reportedly, temperature of the chocolate was 120 degrees Fahrenheit. As much as 3,500 pounds of liquid chocolate was wasted in this tragic incident. Now I wish I had a different kind of bachelorette party, because a gigantic pool of hot, melted chocolate sounds like an amazing send-off into married life. Maybe I’ll try this for my 40th birthday instead.

I’m apparently not the only person excited by this incident. Arizona’s Department of Public Safety said in their tweet about the incident “This will be a sweet cleanup!” In case anyone is worried about any environmental fallout, news outlets point out that the chocolate is biodegradable. The driver wasn’t even charged with any traffic violations, since presumably, the faulty latch on the tanker was the cause of the crash. Everyone is a winner! (Except me, with no chocolate river in my future.) 🙁

This seems to be part of a growing epidemic, as a similar incident in Germany happened late last year. I certainly wasn’t responsible. I don’t travel around the world trying to cause random chocolate accidents. That would be irresponsible! Ha ha! *Ahem.* This media outlet even got into the pun game with their headline “Giant chocolate spill mars, bars road.” Get it? Mars bars? I love a good pun!

So, the moral of our story is, if you have a chocola-tastrophy, REMEMBER TO INVITE ME.

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