Weird Things You Can Find on the Internet (When You Feel Bad About Yourself)

Written by:

Okay, you guys know that I’m pretty transparent with you. I’ve had A LOT of people tell me to stop doing that…but I just can’t help it. I look at so many people and say to myself, “Wow! So that’s what a metro-sexual looks like in real life!!” or, “Wow–you are a walking Highlight Reel”. I’m more like the “Low-light, almost a-sexual” person walking around right now. You know…aging and too tired to fight it…overweight. So things look for on the net are not necessarily the things young, vibrant, healthy, thin women look for. Sometimes, I just don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

For example, today’s inspiration came from the fact that my balding head makes me super self-conscious. AND I’m overweight…by like, 60 lbs. So that’s cool. I decided to look up:
Short hair for fat faces“.  Before I finished typing, Google finished the title for me. Really? So I’m not the only fat person looking for a short haircut! KEWL! By the way, most of these women are not “fat” and they are certainly beautiful. I’m too lazy to do most of those hair cuts, so I looked up the next logical, “how to lose weight in your face“. I laughed so hard when I saw these exercises. And then I tried them out. After looking in the mirror, I gave up.

Since I wasn’t getting anywhere with these, it made complete and total sense for me to look up things that are completely unrelated to my disproportionately large face. For instance, one totally entertaining rabbit hole to fall into is Wikihow _____. If you know someone in the People’s Public of Korea, “How to Be Okay with Having a Communist Friend” may be helpful for you.

Was I just in the mood to laugh?? I don’t know, but “How to Take a Shower” had me seriously ROFLOL…until I realized that maybe I know a teenage boy who would benefit from this article…*cough, cough*. 

If you’re a homewrecker, “3 Ways to End a Marriage” is for you. While you’re at it, put “How to Flirt Through Instant Messaging” in your tool chest. When you realize that being a homewrecker is not the best life choice for you, “How to Become a Philosopher” will set you up to think differently.

Tired of sticking out like a sore thumb because you’re just to sexy for this shirt? How to Be Random will teach you how to be like the rest of us. You know, by speaking randomly and using “no sequiturs”. Don’t try to act like you know what that means!! Let me help you:

non se·qui·tur
nän ˈsekwədər/


Writer: CJ Heath

Share THis